her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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