Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
