If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
