i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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