are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
