Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
