It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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