i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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