I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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