I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
