I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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