the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
