I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
