its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize