If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Please don't give away my fajitas
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