If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
