Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
