So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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