So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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