I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
