Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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