Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
