my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
