I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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