He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize