Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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