We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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