oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
