Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
