Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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