I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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