You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize