How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
