i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize