I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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