I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
