It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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