I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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