So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
