Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
