awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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