the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
