In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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