apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
