nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
