Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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