I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
