I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
