I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
