I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love you. Go after that dick
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
