He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
