White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
