found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize