I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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