I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
