dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Someone came in the potted fern
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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