my vag is so smooth its legendary
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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