in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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