I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
