Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
