my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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