i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
