i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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