i just wanna soil my oats bro
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
