I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
